The Journal of Dionysus
by Invader Tar
Summary: A humorous take on the Greek God of Wine and theatre, Dionysus, and his everday life amongst the other Gods.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own nor claim any Greek myths written by those Greek guys of ancient Greek...I mean Greece.

A/N: Sorry, never "published" a Greek myth before...I'm not really sure how it works. Am I even supposed to have a disclaimer? Whatevs, I'll find out eventually.

Dec. 3rd

4:19 PM

Mood: Apathetic

Music: Demeter of the Damned Whores

Book: Prophecies of Upcoming Stars: Julius Caesar

Dionysus the drunk. That's what they call me. That's it. I'm the drunk. I mean, come on people, just because I am the God of wine does not mean I am a drunk! Just like all Gods, I do enjoy a drink every now and then, but that's it. I promise, that's it, but does anyone believe me? NO! I mean, just because Zeus is the main God, doesn't mean he goes around doing whatever he plea--wait, never mind, bad example. Don't tell him I said that! He's my father, he'll kill me! Oh don't take it so literally, yes I KNOW that I am an immortal but the wrath of Zeus is worse than any death one could suffer. I don't know, I just don't know. Everyone here is so self-righteous. Maybe I'm just playing the victim of Zeus because he burned Semele, my mother, to a crisp.

Zeus can be really, really mean. I don't know why. No one does. I think it's because Hera bothers him all the freaking time about taking out the garbage. Man or God, that gets annoying. Last year, at the Christmas party, he got so mad because of Hera that he started yelling at everyone around him...Especially me. He always calls me a drunk. Now, keep in mind I've joined A.A. and have been sober for about two years now, but does he even care? No! He just calls me a drunk because it makes him feel better about himself. He's so destructive of everyone around him. Hades and Poseidon say it's his way of showing us he cares, but what do they know? Poseidon spends all of his time under water and Hades spends all of his in the underworld. They're so lucky.

If Hestia knew I was complaining about Zeus, she'd curse me. She gave up her seat in the 12 Gods & Goddesses to me. Although, she would probably understand because she gave up her seat to me because of all the bickering amongst the Gods. I don't blame her. I'd give up mine too, but the only person that wants a seat is Pan. Pan is the son of Hermes. Pan was born with the legs and horns of a goat, but is a Nymph. None of the other Nymphs or Gods besides Hermes even acknowledge his existence. Even his mother abandoned him. He is the cause of panic, if you were wondering. It's not a huge mystery, I mean COME ON! Pan, panic, pan, PANic. Get real.

Pan and I go way back. He is my "homeboy". You see, the reason Zeus burned my mother to a crisp was because...well, I'll just give you a brief story about all of this. So, Zeus was madly in love with Semele. When Hera found out, she went to Semele in disguise and told her to ask Zeus to show himself to her. The second time Zeus visited Semele, she made him promise on the River of Styx that he would do her one favor. He promised because he was in love with her, so when she requested that he show himself to her in his true form, he had no choice . When he did that, she burned to a crisp because of his "glory". However, Zeus managed to save me. The reason I'm immortal and a God is because Zeus stitched me into his own thigh until I was ready to be born. How bizarre. Of course, Hera, being the stupid annoying freak she is was still not done with me.

She was still jealous and arranged for the Titans to kill me. The Titans ripped me to pieces, however, Rhea brought me back to life. After that, Zeus arranged for my protection from his crazy wife and handed me over to the mountain Nymphs to be raised. Pan is a Nymph, I was raised by them. This is why I feel a deep connection to him...but don't tell any of the other Gods that. If they find out I actually like Pan, they will never stop making fun of me. He's really a cool guy once you get to know him. He's just been dealt a tough hand in life. Anyway, after the whole Hera fiasco, I kind of gave up on that whole God thing.

I ended up wandering the Earth, encouraging people to join my cult. You know how most Gods have temples where they are worshiped? Yeah, well, people worshiped me in the woods because of the wrath of Hera. Well, the people in my cult were a little nuts. For starters, they were all women. Sometimes when they worshiped me, they went crazy and tore apart and ate the raw meat of any animal that crossed them. Don't even think I had anything to do with THAT. It's just too disgusting.

You know, a lot of people say they have extra courage when they are under the influence of wine. You know whom that courage comes from? Me. I am the only God that is outside of your body, as well as inside it. Of course, if you drink wine to excess, then you get violent. That is also my doing. My psychiatrist says that I bring joy and divine ecstasy, as well as brutal, unthinking rage. It's my curse, but along with my curse comes my gift, and some people take the risk to feel the gift, and others don't. I won't tell you what do to. That would be invading your free will. The only time I've invaded anything was when I invaded the underworld in order to save Semele. Although I had never met her, I was still concerned for her. After all, she is my mother. She still lives on Mount Olympus with me. It's all good. She's a real nice lady.

Zeus calls me a drunk. I'm sorry if I keep bringing that up, I just can't get over the injustice of it all. I mean, think about it, I've done a lot of good things! I rescued Ariadne after that scum-bag Theseus abandoned her. You ever hear Dionysus the Rescuer? No, no you don't. I guess I shouldn't be too arrogant. It IS frowned upon. Plus, I was the one who gave Midas the power to turn anything he touched into gold. Ever had one of those ideas that seem really really good one minute and then super stupid the next? I mean, the man turned his daughter to gold on accident! I should have never given him that power. Some people should just have normal human powers. That's all they're able to handle. Although, I was kind enough to take the power back unlike most Gods.

I guess I shouldn't really complain about Zeus considering all he's done for me and all the times I've messed up. He's really a great guy, he just needs to get rid of that Hera. Now there is someone who drives EVERYONE crazy! I swear, she's a loner. She has not one friend. I don't know what's wrong with her. Anyway, I should probably go. Those stupid Maenads (the crazy women in my cult) will not leave me alone. Yes, I know, how pathetic, I can save someone from the underworld, but I can't get a handful of people to leave me alone...But hey, they're women! Not that easy to handle.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own nor claim any...Greek...myths...by...Greek...ancient...guys...coughs

Dec. 14th

11:32 AM

Mood: Tired

Music: Olympus Heights

Book: Lose Your Beer Gut In 10 Days

I just got back from visiting Poseidon under the sea. His palace is starting to really get cluttered. I mean, if I had a palace of gold like he does, I'd at least take care of it. I guess it's understandable because he's been so busy with making some type of animal for Demeter lately. Honestly, I don't get why Amphitrite, his wife, deals with him. His number of affairs are only second to Zeus. They are brothers, and I guess they are more alike than either of them would like to admit. I love hanging out at his palace. It's a magnificent place, not to mention all the cute Nereids. The only annoying thing is his son, Triton. He's always asking me to get him drunk. No one in this entire family wants to accept the fact that I have changed!!

He's just a little boy and I guess I shouldn't get mad at him. That would be quite unfair. Any who, back to hanging out at Poseidon's palace. I found the coolest animal. He has the same horns and back legs as Pan, but has a torso that's also covered with fur. Poseidon calls it a "capra aegagrus hircus". That name doesn't sound cute nor cuddly, so I have taken it upon myself to get everyone to call it a "goat". It sounds like "gloat" which is what Poseidon does about everything he does that isn't a complete and total failure. His relationship with Amphitrite and assumed courtship of Demeter is a complete and total failure. Demeter actually ran off to Arkadia to escape him. She just told him to make her the most beautiful animal last week and already he's flooded the human world with these hideous beasts.

Everyone knows that Demeter has a thing for Zeus, anyway. Well, everyone except Hera and I think that's for the best, don't you? She tends to be a little, or a total, psycho when it comes to her husband. I don't get why, though. She didn't even want to marry him. He just sexually assaulted her and she had to. That lady has serious problems...but I've complained about her already. Zeus plays around too much, just like Poseidon. The only good one I know of is Hades, and he's supposed to be evil. I'm visiting him tomorrow. It should be interesting. We haven't spoken since I rescued Semele from the underworld.

Back to my main point of me visiting Poseidon today. He called me down there because he believes that he has finally made the most beautiful animal for Demeter, but he's not in love with her anymore. He calls it an "Equus caballus". I call it a "horse" because it's a homonym for "hoarse" which is how Poseidon's voice is getting from gloating about it. It's like the black and white striped animal that he made before only bigger and stronger. He's done a nice job. I really like the horse. It's strong. I asked if I could ride one, and he almost hit me with his trident. I took it as a no. Personally, I think he should give her the "bull". I forget what Poseidon calls that, but rest assured it's an unnecessarily long word which I have cleverly shortened into a cute word. The bull is big and strong. I love it. It's gigantic and dangerous. I want to intoxicate a bunch of humans with wine, and set a group of these bulls free to run amongst them. I asked Poseidon if I could do that, and he said "in due time, in Spain" which I didn't really understand, but is just as good as a yes. At least the humans will have courage while they are intoxicated.

Well, that's all for today. I'm going to visit Hades in the underworld tomorrow, or maybe later. I'm contemplating going at all. He's a cool guy and all, but the river of styx terrifies me. It's crowded by all these half eaten corpses. I mean, I understand that death is a natural part of life for humans, but dear Gods, cover your maggot playground of a face up!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not claim or own any Greek myths. Seriously. Viva Barnes & Noble.

A/N: I really liked these stories. Last chapter. Enjoy.

Dec. 22nd

2:32 PM

Mood: Aggravated

Music: Hades and the Lords of the Underworld

Book: Human Immortality: Fact or Fiction?

I cannot believe Hades! The nerve of some Gods! I take one subject of his and all of a sudden I'm The Underworld's Enemy Number One! I hate that guy! He's so annoying. Him and his stupid pomegranates. He's always shoving them in everyone's face going "You want some? You want some?" GET A CLUE! NO ONE WILL FALL FOR THAT EXCEPT PERSEPHONE, YOU DORK! Gods! He's the only God so far that has had to trick someone into being his bride! Persephone hates him, everyone does! I need to stop using exclamation marks...! You get the extent of my frustration here, don't you? Good. He's such a freaking annoying clingy little...creep! Okay, that's the last exclamation mark, I promise. The only God he likes is Ares, because Ares kills people and increases the number of Hades' subjects. I hate Hades, I really, honestly do.

So, I go to the land down under (not Australia) today, and first of all I see my face plastered all over the freaking place with gigantic X's through it as if I'm some sort of villain. I mean, hundreds of thousands of millions of people are dead, why does he especially need my mother? Frigging grr! I hate that guy! He's so easily offended. He really, really needs to work on that. He can't go run around crying every time someone tells him something he doesn't want to here! So, I find him and I say "Hades, what's up with all the posters of me?" and he just glares at me like I know what's going on. I don't! He's crazy. Later he yells at me about taking Semele out of the underworld even though she was just there because Hera is crazy, and asks me if I was _drunk_ when I thought it a good idea to rescue her.

I hate him. He's exactly like Zeus's twin. You'd think he'd understand the wrath of the Gods seeing as how he got the worst part in the draw between him and Poseidon and now rules the underworld. Does ANYONE want to rule the underworld? I was so mad at him! I'd have left immediately but since Persephone is down there, Demeter's kind of let the Earth go again and I didn't want to freeze to death while I waited for Zeus to come down and get me. Zeus told me to wait for him because he needed to talk to Thanatos, the god of death, and I didn't want to ditch my father like that. I ended up spending half the day hanging out with Hades and his stupid evil minions who think I, of all people, am evil. They were playing Scrabble. What god plays Scrabble? I mean, seriously, how does that work? How to you get to a point in your life when you're so pathetic that you play Scrabble for fun? I played for a little bit but when I was playing they would just spell words like leave, evil, hate, worthless, and unwanted so I stopped playing. He just takes things too seriously. Once I told him I didn't like his new haircut jokingly...He wore hats everyday for a year until it grew back out.

So, when Zeus finally gets down there to pick me up, he asks me how it went and when I tell him he just laughs. Shows you how much he cares about his own son. I mean, seriously, that God has no heart. I would have said something but I didn't feel like getting thrown a thunderbolt at. Once, Athena tried hitting me with it after I reminded her of how she killed Pallas. She's such a daddy's girl. Zeus loves her. She's the only one that can even get close to his armor. I don't know what's so special about her. She has no mother! At least I am of actually, semi-possible birth! She's a thought that sprung out of Zeus' head. I might have sprung out of his thigh, but at least I have a mother! She's so mean and is always challenging me to duels. I mean, come on, I am a lover, not a fighter. Everyone in this entire palace is out to get me. Now I get why Creon felt so paranoid, I'm starting to feel it.

Tomorrow I'm going back down under (not Australia...though I might go down there to check on my pet kangaroo...it's such a cuddly name, i love it) to get this entire thing taken care of with Hades. I'm going to take someone with me. Maybe I can get Persephone to take my side. Then Hades will definitely cut all this childish stuff out. He's head over heels in love with that woman...Even though she's pretty much too stupid to figure out that her reflection in the mirror is NOT her long lost twin.


End file.
